It must have been Something I Ate. Friday after walking for 60 minutes (whoo hoo!) at the gym, I sat and watched the basketball players for a bit. I noticed an odd feeling in my tummy, like I’d swallowed a golf ball.
The feeling grew driving to pick up C until by the time I got to his office I felt like it was a baseball I’d swallowed, and I began to feel very weak and ‘fadey.’ We got home and I could barely make it to the house – I realize now it was a prodrome of vasovagal syncope, this feeling, as my body was shunting blood around to where it was needed. I took to shuttling between my bed and my bathroom for what can best be called the ‘Oh Be Joyfuls.’
C was very understanding. Basically I was out of action from Friday evening until today. He brought me Pepto-Bismol and kept my spirits up, and today we had a nice day doing a bit of shopping, and my appetite finally returned (C cooked a lovely dinner of pork chops with mustard cream sauce with gnocchi on the side).
Sadly we didn’t get to take our mini break to New Jersey as planned; we’ll have to do that soon. And I’m still leery of eating anything that I ate in the last few days before the episode – mainly salads.
Twenty Years Ago?
I’m/we’re looking over the materials to fill in for the security investigation – the big challenge will be finding names/addresses for all of my federal supervisors – from 1983? They’ve got to be kidding! Some of the places no longer exist, one at least has passed on, and honestly, who keeps tabs on supervisors from jobs they had over twenty years ago? The rest seems fairly easy and you have to give neighbours only from five years ago so that’s easy. I’ll have to use my new label maker to help me keep things organized properly-here and at work.
I’m still nervous, but I try to be logical. The government knows about C and me, and about my silly decision to get a UK passport (a passport which I’ve since turned in). So the only things that could stand in my way are either that they find something about me that even I don’t know, or that these things are somehow acceptable for my current clearance, but not the new one.
My big fear, which I’ll try to have answered Monday, is not that they’ll not grant me the new one but that they’ll somehow take away the current one. I can’t imagine why, but everyone in that field is very (necessarily?) cagey on these questions.
Always and Forever
I’ll always love C, I’ve always loved him – somehow I know that is true even for the times before I met him – there was a C-shaped hole in my life and I was not finished before we came together.
I’m looking at something he’s written for me and feeling the tenderness he always treats me with. I find it hard to throw things away that he’s written, I never erase his messages on my voice mail until the system forces me to.
He makes me feel utterly humbled by his kindness and support, by his belief in me, and in us, and I have to wonder how I can ever tell him what he means to me. I wish I were his clothes, so that I could envelop him and protect him and hold him all day. I wish that I could curl up in his shirt pocket and sleep all day next to his heart. He’s the most precious thing in the world to me. He’s in all my dreams, even the weird ones that seem more like movie scripts.
(Last night he and I were riding around with a master criminal woman trying to steal cars to pick up a corpse from the woods before the other bad guys found it. She was bad but I was admiring her resourcefulness and pluck. I wish I could write by day the interesting scripts I can create in my dreams.)
I am everything I am because of C.