Uncertainty, Unpleasantness, Doubt

Uncertainty and doubt were the themes of the day. A not particularly pleasant day.


I blew Neal off because his little comment is still causing me annoyance and friction in my life and I wasn’t in the mood to see him. I don’t know quite what to do – he’s a bitter man and some of that bitterness comes out. Also I’ve not been losing much/any weight lately, which is my fault, but I wonder what the $100/hour is getting me. To avoid his ‘missed appointment fee’ he wants to meet me Monday evening at 7:45, and I guess I will, but it may very well be my last time with him. Part of it too is that his comment upset C and there has to be harmony between us in whatever we do individually or as a couple or it just won’t work. I know some people would say that is too clingy but clingy works – our love and lives have to be an integrated whole and there has to be agreement, especially over an activity that costs so much and is so disruptive to our weekends together. Not that this was such a great weekend without the session.


We didn’t make it over to see our friends which is a shame because I was really looking forward to it. We thought we would have too much to do and be too tired. 😦 Of all the ‘bad things’ that happened today this was the most unpleasant. Sometimes, too, I wonder if they don’t just have us over out of a feeling of obligation; I can’t imagine that I’m that good company or that desirable as a guest. I basically sit there demanding to be catered to, demanding to determine what we shall do for dinner, demanding to decide what we shall watch if we watch TV or a movie. I really should be more gracious and accommodating. I really should invite them over to our house more often (but see below).


Well, I don’t doubt that we didn’t get all our errands done. The cloud over the first part of the day seemed to fill us with a listlessness and impatience. We did get some prosciutto for tomorrow night’s dinner (roast chicken with baked fennel and prosciutto). We did visit a local garden center but they didn’t have the plants we wanted for our garden. (We’re planning to ‘do’ the back garden first, as ever since we put in the fence it has become a favored spot to sit especially as (the chilly day notwithstanding) spring is here.


I got a Wacom Bamboo pen pad but haven’t hooked it up yet. I’d like to tomorrow. If I can I’d like to get stuck in on organizing our desk area; I’d take a picture but I’m embarrassed about the box in the middle of the room stuffed with empty file folders, keyboard boxes, and other stuff. I’d also love to do something about all the other unfinished stuff around the house – we have a hugely expensive television we never use because the space in front of it is stuffed with boxes, we have another expensive television still in its box in our Bedroom 2 (B2) our junk storage facility because we’ve never gotten off our collective arses to get the new furniture from Ikea that we want to put it on, we’ve got two computers that are nearly ready to be sold that are sitting near the first expensive TV as electronic dust catchers, the kitchen is a mess, the dining room table is a junk paper collector, we’ve not unpacked from our minibreak to PA…I could go on and on and on.

And what do we do? Sit in front of the old, non-HiDef TV flicking the remote between Real Housewives, Cartoon TV, some show about training dogs, one about fixing up old houses and trying to make a profit doing it, Top Chef on the Runaway Runway of Gay Innuendo, some old movie we’ve seen three quarters of in disjointed segments and feel we ought to care about, not the two movies waiting from Netflix, not the episode of Man vs. Wild with Bear (yummy) Grylls, or the two of EastEnders from last week that prevented me from taping the two of this week, and we certainly don’t clean up the coffee table right in front of ourselves.

One living room chair is covered by my messenger bag, hoodie, two books, and leather coat. The coat closet opens off the living room, less than six inches from the living room door. And whenever we do sort of pretend to clean up, I sit on my well-padded nether parts watching C do most of the work. Which means that, all by himself, the most he can often do with what is shamefully mostly my clutter, is shove it into the pile in B2. Which means that I’m afraid to go into B2 to retrieve a book on weightlifting I’ve been wanting to read as I can’t see the floor, and the expensive TV is there, and I’m afraid that making my way through the room I’ll fall right onto the TV smashing it and the last fantasy of having an elegant living room.

I’m just down on myself today. Maybe even not working out contributed.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake up before noon, make some cappucino, and C and I will do actual real live work. Maybe I’ll do this or that. Maybe I’ll learn to sing “Hard Candy Christmas.”

Any words of encouragement would be appreciated. Please remember, I’m not depressed, I’m not particularly incapable, although bending down does hurt my back and standing for long too, I’m just lazy.

No Luke or Silvio today, they will return though; in keeping with the missed TV episode and the unwatched movie (Full Metal Jacket), here are pictures of oddly yet reassuringly hugely handsome Adam Baldwin (FMJ and Chuck) and oddly yet reassuringly capable Bear Grylls (have you ever noticed how when somebody who has just worked hard relaxes they look more relaxed than somebody like me looks when he relaxes?)…

Adam BaldwinBear Grylls

(You insert a ribald comment here – I’m too down to do it today.)


Filed under Exercise, Resolutions

2 responses to “Uncertainty, Unpleasantness, Doubt

  1. Karen

    I can only speak for me/my family, but we do NOT invite you out of obligation. We love your company. You are both intelligent (a huge plus for having conversation) and fun to be around. The fact that we can converse when we’re all being serious or be silly when that mood strikes, make you an ideal friend and visitor to our home. Please feel welcome any time.

    As for coming to your house, don’t feel obligated to invite us. We feel bad some times that we live so far away and invite you to come so far to see us. Of course we can always meet somewhere on either side of the bridge.

    I hope you are having a better day today. Sending hugs and well wishes your way (as always).

  2. angloam

    Thank you, Karen, that means a lot to me.

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