That was the story. We’ll start with Friday. For some reason, despite the day starting off like any other, I was a bit out of sorts. But then things went down hill. CH barely spoke to me but had time for it seemed everyone else. I wondered what I’d done to upset him but I didn’t want to ask for fear of coming across as a real weirdo. So I said nothing, and certainly very little to him. In fact I became colder and more aloof as the day went on. It probably wouldn’t have taken a rocket scientist’s assistant to work out I was upset about something.
Towards the end of the day we had to go to a ceremony for all people receiving various awards and recognitions. I sat opposite CH, but made an excuse to move a bit further down. I’m really crap at these things and I was upset and frankly acting very childish. I maintained a pointlessly uncommunicative stance. As I felt more and more that I was acting stupidly I seemed to grow a second skin, a carapace really, that kept me encased in anger at CH and myself, and in fear of seeming vulnerable or being laughed at. Finally I muttered some excuse and left, feeling awful.
I wondered why I was acting this way – do I have a crush on CH? He’s crushable, he’s good-looking and athletic, the kind of person people are supposed to admire and he was being nice to me (and I to him). But I’m 42 – how silly would a crush be, especially since I have the best partner in the world!
I even asked a friend if this were true, and she seemed to indicate it might be, but in speaking to her I realized that it’d pass, and after such a lovely weekend with friends and especially with C it really seems silly in retrospect. One insight she passed along was that often, a crush or infatuation or severe admiration complex (my term!) involves somebody who makes you see yourself differently (and in a way you like). Wow; talk about sensible (this friend could be a psychologist). I took the gift of her insight to realize that if CH could make me feel good it meant he saw good in me, in some way, which means that there must be good in me, and also what she said made me listen more to C today and hear the love in his voice and most of today I spent on cloud nine. He’s such a marvellous guy. 🙂 I love him beyond the stars and the sky, I love his breathing and his life, I wish that I could be his clothes so that I could wrap myself around him and be always close to him and protect him as he goes about his day.
So today was great! 🙂
No eye candy today. I’ll make it up tomorrow, I promise.