Latest from Orange County, God Help Us All

Well lessee now…

First, Ickie and Brianna went to Ickie’s jeweller; Ickie was there to toss Donn a diamond-shaped shiny food pellet. Ms. Jeweller knows Ickie from way back and it showed. After all she assumed that Donn calls her nothing but bitch. Which we all do, really, even if only under his breath. But wasn’t that a lovely awkward moment? Do you get the impression that the Jeweller Lady had figured out that the front of her establishment wouldn’t be shown so there was no or not much free advertising to be had? Therefore, not much nicey-nicey with the racoon-eyed Ickie.

Then Saint Boob of the Rack took two of her three live accessories to the nail salon to get their maniac petties done. I guess she never thought of them as actual children before (not really having had much to do with them until now), and didn’t realize that maybe they were a bit too much real girls and too little cute arm danglers to appreciate having their cuticles sliced and their feet fiddled with. How annoying of the little ornaments. Somebody put them back in their box! Saint Boob did vouchsafe as how she ‘studied’ marketing but got into ‘healthanfitness’ – i.e., couldn’t figure out how to put a table tent on a table because she was busy at the gym, I guess. Even though she’s a ‘stay at home mom’ (the irony!) she’s not one to sit around on her butt all day. Sometimes she gets up to direct the help!

Then Poor Lynne and Little Big Nose get sliced and diced for everyone’s judgement. At least Daddy Wozzisname still retains enough love for Poor Lynne to be worried about…well…we never did find out. I mean we assume that he’s worried that she might not make ‘it’ but maybe he was worried that she would. I mean could you put up with Poor Lynne and her parade of insecurities on a long term basis.

Next Ickie shows that even if you’re her friend, you need to be careful. Just like she threw Earthjeana under the bus about the loan, she carefully and oh so subtly reminded TamRAA that the days of hired help are over for now. Now correct me if I’m wrong but the last time Ickie flew over to the annual insurance convention in West Palm Beach, didn’t she turn down a request from Jeana to come with? So how (Bravo) does she now come to the idea that it’d be really cool to have ‘the girls’ along, including Gretch (Bravo)? Oh, it’s contractually obligatory, Ickie! TamRAA notes that she can make up with Gretch because she, TamRAAA can be the bigger person. Remember that promise!

Switch to Gretch taking bike lessons with hunky sexy Slade who isn’t balding (so why didn’t he take off his hat in the classroom?). Now Gretched did embarrass the ‘boys’ around her but that’s just her pocket Marilyn Monroe shtick, she was actually friendly even to the less cute in the room, and she did ride her bike nearly perfectly, much better than sexy hunky Slade who maybe couldn’t transfer the skills he picked up from when he was a competition bike racer, the tight spandex hugging his powerful legs and body like an AngloAmerican massage. Sadly, sexy hunky Slade had to mug for the camera and goof around as if anyone other than I were watching or caring. He’s such a star in the theatre de Slade.

Simon Says to TamRAAA that he wants her to take care of the kids even if pushing Tequila isn’t as lucrative as it once was. He basically treats TamRAA like a little kid, which makes it more funny when he demands again, petulantly, that Wrong Ryan make a public apology before all the kids in the facebook playground. Because you see he’s so mature. Is that odd to you too? Also, come to think of it, WTF – RYAN IS OVER 18!!! Why does Simon Says insist that anyone has to give him consequences? Simon Says really wants that public apology so gets in a few more passive-aggressive zings at TamRAA before leaving her crying again.

Golf with the Lads time! Donn, Simon Says, and Frug all get together with Unnamed Fourth Person to make fools of themselves at a golf course they clearly had never been to. Note that Frug had to make fun of everyone else’s playing (because that’s how Frugs joke around, right), and brag about his own (because that’s no nothings become somethings, right). Simon Says to giggle at every rude remark Frug says because now a big boy wants to play with him so they can all gang up on Donn and .

Resplendent in his loud yellow shirt and reeking of cigar fumes, Frug and the rest go drink beer, where Frug and Simon Says basically trash Donn’s marriage, while Donn is too polite to point out the glaring, the obvious the Oh My God How Could You Miss Them flaws in their own hook ups. There’s a lot of what my friends call [[dicksizing]] between the men about how much money they all have; at least Donn notes that other people aren’t as blessed as these four, but of course that’s lost on ‘Godly’ (Oh My Godly, more like) Frug.

We learn that Frug is so Godly when Saint Boob has drinkiepoos with Gretch. After hitching her dress halfway around her enormous fake boobs and knocking back some martini, Saint Boob informs Gretch that she’s really into, like, Biblical principles and such. (Though for goodness’ sake don’t quizz her on ’em.) After she spews a bit more smugness, we’re left to wonder:

1) Why she doesn’t trust Frug enough to be away from him for a moment.
2) Why she insulted Gretch by saying that she’d trust her ‘desireable’ Frug to be naked on a boat with Gretch and not do anything. Now come on. (a) Does she really want us to be crippled with THAT image, with the idea of Frug without clothes on? What did we do to deserve that? and (b) does she really think that Gretch would be impelled by the sight to toss her sense and taste aside and jump those bones????

I don’t think Gretch or anyone ever has been that hard up for affection. Not when she has hunky sexy Slade’s sock puppet, or an ‘adult toy,’ or the dryer on spin cycle available. Heck the sight of Frug in the nude probably was used to strengthen the resolve of wavering novitiates at the convent – “This girls is the alternate to chastity! Look on it and weep!”

What Saint Boob delivered was a subtle insult to Gretch and I think Gretch saw through it.

TamRAA tries to keep Simon Says from pouting that he won’t have funny-bunnies and jolly-wollies on the trippie-wippie to Florida as Simon looks ever more like a petulant attention-starved nine-year-old. No wonder TamRAA’s always looking so upset – she has two juveniles vying for her attention. Just to stick a little more guilt into her, or horror, Simon Says that they have a perfect relationship, where he only puts up with what he wants to put up with.

Saint Boob proves her dedication to God, er, herself and Frug by having Godly Botulism Toxin injected into herself, while ruminating that she doesn’t know how many days, has lost count of the hours, she dedicates to good works, er, herself his libido, and her vanity. In the words of Chris Crocker: Bitch, p’leeeze.

This way he never has to ‘worry’ that he’ll have a frumpy wife. Newflash Boobie: He won’t. Because when medicine and surgery can’t arrest your face’s collapse, you’ll be gone pffft. Hope your prenups were okay as you have no way of supporting your silly self except as a high class and subtle whore. Just saying.

Poor Lynn and Little Bashed Nose compare slicings and dicings and hammer whacks to the proboscis.

These women aren’t PEOPLE, they’re prize show dogs.

TamRAA goes to sell houses (WTF, sell houses in 2009 in Orange County????) with cute Marcos her boss.

Ickie bonds with Donn, quickly, no appetizer, becuase she wants to get up to work early the next day so only a few moments to smell the roses. Mommajean was mommaright. Donn is daddylicious and if she doesn’t keep him happy there’s any number of people who’ll elbow her aside. To her credit Ickie seems to have realized this (duh) and has had the required flashes of insight. Ickie-drama 2 is set up with Ickie complaining that Simon Says doesn’t do what he ought…and that drives her nuts!

Finally, TamRAA goes to bury the hatchet in Gretch’s head. I mean with Gretch. All goes well, but it’s hard to believe that TamRAA’s sincere since she wants to catch Gretch in a lie (not good reconciliation type behaviour) and get her to ‘fess up. She shows how she’s the bigger person (remember, above) by issuing Gretch an ultimatum to take down her blog ENTRY (TamRAA ENTRY), because ultimata are always a good way to negotiate. Good thing Cute Markos is in charge of that at Doomed Dwellings Real Estate!

And so we wait eagerly for the next episode; hoping that all we be well or at least somebody will clean up the blood stains.

1 Comment

Filed under Culture

One response to “Latest from Orange County, God Help Us All

  1. I have this show Tivoed, but I just haven’t wanted to watch it lately. Some of us have real problems, besides what we look like, for goodness sake, and when I see them whining about such superficial crap, I want to slap them. I like your description of them as show dogs. Pretty fitting. Although, living in the OC, I am friends of friends with some of them, although I never recall which ones.

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