More on Being Me

Well, this might very well be the longest I’ve ever waited to update my blog. My apologies.

Continuing the expose of me as an obese individual as we work our way to my ‘big’ decision, here’s an overview of how my life has been affected by being the size I am:

Well, let’s see. I find it hard to keep up with people when we walk along, and I have to stop and sit down all the time. At work if I’m talking to somebody, I can start to feel sore in my legs and have to sit down; if there’s no place to sit nearby it can be awkward.

I have to buy clothes on line and chose from a very limited selection and pay more than a normally-sized person. Basically I wear the same things over and over again.

I had to buy a car to fit me; which meant that it had to be larger than most people’s cars and was chosen mainly on the basis of whether or not it could ‘fit’ me, although I do like the car we have. I have to have the seat all the way back and the steering wheel all the way up and even then I am so close to the steering wheel that if the airbags deploy I will be at risk for severe injury.

At work I have to have a ‘bariatric’ chair specially ordered for me, as I am too big for the normal chairs. I hate being so singled out. At a former place of work, when we had fire drills I was to ‘wait in a safe area’ on the 13th floor to be rescued rather than hold everyone up trying to walk down stairs. Not only do I go much slower than everyone, I also am so wide that I take up the entire stairwell.

I can’t wear lace-up shoes because I can’t reach down far enough to tie the laces. It’s even hard for me to put on socks.

I have to ascend and descend stairs sideways because I have limited range of motion in my knees and must go slow anyway. Ascending is particularly brutal on me as I become heavingly out of breath almost immediately.

At home I can’t keep the house as clean as I should because more than a few minutes of housework is difficult for me; it hurts my back and my knees and shoulders. Kneeling to clean floors or low surfaces is out of the question.

My sofa is basically crushed even though it’s only five years old because of my weight sitting on it. I have to use a chair when I cook because my knees and legs cannot take standing long enough. I am too big for my dining room chairs and they can hurt; I am also too big to get around the dining room easily especially if guests are sitting at the table.

Emotionally the idea of cleaning or doing any physical work is daunting; if I didn’t have my partner who shoulders most of the burden of these tasks, I’d have to pay somebody to do so.

Going shopping is difficult for me because of the walking involved so many trips involve my partner going in and scouting things out for me so I don’t have to do all the walking.

Sitting in restaurants can be difficult and embarrassing. I have to make sure I can get a table, not a booth as may times I cannot fit in a booth. Sometimes, especially outside, the restaurant has resin chairs, which I’m too heavy for.

Going to sporting events and concerts fills me with dread as the seats are normally too small. When I fly I have to buy two seats for my size, request a seat belt extension, and ask to board early as I find it hard to walk down the narrow aisle on board. Frankly I wonder if I could escape a burning fuselage, or for that matter a burning building. When I rent a car it is always a worry; the car has to be big enough (which adds to the cost) and the seatbelt has to be long enough; or else I can’t drive. I’m terrified of winding up at an airport unable to continue my journey.

I never ride in anyone else’s car because I’m afraid of making a scene as I get in or out or seeing them scared of what damage I may to do to their seats.

Because of extreme shame regarding my size I do not have sexual relations easily; I am convinced despite his denials that my partner must find me hideous. I certainly do not have sex except in very very dark rooms.

Children call me names, sometimes loud enough for me to hear them. Sometimes their parents don’t correct them. It’s bad enough for me but I am so mortified for my partner.

I find it hard to think of myself as anything other than fat. Even in my daydreams I’m large and largely immobile, and there seems to be an enormous gulf between me and ‘normal people.’

Daydreaming or awake, I feel ashamed and embarrassed nearly all the time, despite my counsellor suggesting that I value the special attention I get and the allowances that are made for me.

Very soon indeed you, dear readers, will be treated to:

1) What’s been going on since 24 December last year.

2) What my ‘big’ decision is and what it entails.

3) Who the mystery man is and why he’s a bit less topical now than when I thought of him as an obsession.

Can you imagine? All this to be revealed soon?


Filed under Exercise, Health

2 responses to “More on Being Me

  1. DH

    1. I am sure he car wasn’t bought on the basis it would fit you. You don’t have the seat all the way back and you have lost a lot of weight.

    2. I am sure your partner doesn’t find you hideous at all despite you thinking he does.

    3. You partner isn’t mortified by children calling you names. Children don’t know better, and most parents have corrected their children, there have been some that haven’t. I am also sure your partner may have made comments loud enough for the parents to hear.

  2. I am also sure that your parner loves you for you and knows your sizes is not who you are. I hope your decision will help you to be more comfortable with yourself physically and emotionally. You are a kind and lovely, loving person. I know this to be true, even though I only know you through cyberspace.

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