Real Housewives of New Jersey, 31 May 2010

My little write-up!

What a boiling mess this last eppy was.

First off, we see Tess bringing home baby #4. Apparently she’s tired of all this baby-birthin’ because she wants the Italian Stallion gelded and quick. Joe, the aforementioned stallion, proceeds to demonstrate a rather amazing lack of knowledge of his own anatomy. Joe: She doesn’t want to castrate you. Well, not yet at any rate. Or not openly. Juicy Joe gets the forth little Giudice’s name tattooed on his meaty arm underneath the three others’. Now don’t you think it’s a good idea to not just spell out but write down the name or phrase you want added? Anyway they all went home to the Stone Temple of Teresa, the marble’s hard unyielding surfaces reminding Joe of the hard body of this one guy when he was drunk and … and anyway it was little Show Giudice’s birthday.

But Show Giudice only liked, not loved, her quad (after all what girl doesn’t want a pink fluffy dirt bike?), which made her mummy frankly not give a damn whether or not she fell off it, or killed her squalling sister. Tess’s only concern was that Show not drive the thing through the ‘water of puddles’ or whatever, so it wouldn’t have to be cleaned when she took it back. Remember Mommie Dearest and Christine having to choose one present to keep and the rest to give away? Little Show made her choice. Oh, yes, without knowing it, she made her choice.

Then there was a pink limousine and some screaming girls and Tess boasting about alla da cash she dropped on this kid. And I was reading Twitter on my iPhone so I have no idea but since screams seemed happy I didn’t care what they were up to. Apparently getting training for future days of vanity. Who knows?

Jacquay learns what we all suspected, that her daughter Hashly is shacked up with her video store jockey boyfriend when she goes over and gets a little bit tipsy with said boyfriend’s mummy in their tiny house (tiny compared to Jacquay’s pile of bricks at least). Jacqay gripped her wine a little tighter and knocked it back a little faster when she thought about how the lazy thing couldn’t clean her own clothing explosion (room) at home, but apparently initiates whole house tidying in the bf’s house where she doesn’t even live. We all agree to keep the faith and the fiction, right? Right.

Back at the Palazzo Manzo, Chris (oh, overlooked sexy cute funny lickable Chris)’s best friend Forgettable-with-a-Mom appears and we get this convoluted explanation from Queen Quaroline about how she really didn’t snub Forgettables’ Mom, only refused to socialize with her because <gasp> Mom’s friends with Dastardly Danielle. Cripes a plenty! Anyway, it’s nice to see Chris (mmmmm so hot) interacting with his family, he always makes people laugh even though he seems somewhat unhappy (and in need of a big AngloAmerican hug).

Albie nicely takes Chuckie-waxer sister Lauren, Ashley and her bf to dinner to tell them that Ashley is too young to know her own mind. And that he doesn’t want bf to get his leg over and take advantage of the dimwitted thing. Ashley tries to make a protest but there are so many words she has to marshal and string together that she just slumps back into her chair, exhausted. Bf as usual is smart and says nothing to the attorney in waiting.

Dastardly Danielle and this strange friend of hers, Forgettable’s Mother, meet in a bar someplace in Franklin Lakes (not in Miseryville where Danielle has always lived) and Danielle engages in some pretty revolting suck up behaviour. I don’t know why this apparently wealthy woman is Danielle’s chum except to relieve the boredom of always being around proper people. Danielle and her craziness is entertainment, and she can always hop back into her chauffeured Bentley and zoom back to Megabux Mansion if things get too too real. Danielle spins her story about “da sick baby” and I guess ForgettaMom agrees to pay for Danielle to go to the fundraiser over at Dom Manzo’s Den (er, the Brownstone).

Queen Quaroline, Jackay and Tess meet to agree that Danielle is garbage, no good, calculating and a liar, and up to something. So that was a nice new change of conversation, right? Dina’s not going despite being a charitable sort, and Queen Quaroline decides not to go. Jackay is told she’s not going and Tess was never asked. Perhaps it was her time of the month? Those connected to the Den fall all over themselves to assure us that Danielle, despite being so dastardly, is as welcome as any other cockroach would be. This becomes important, later. Dastardette is not the only calculating one…

But she may be uniquely insane. As the big event approaches, Danielle makes sure that we, you, our cousins, the paper boy and all the people in China know that she’s terrified to go to the Den of her Enemy (er, that is, a big public building full of the public and television crews) because something unspecified but very sinister will happen to her, courtesy of Queenie and Qrew. To deal with this clear and present danger, she recruits Danny the Ex Con, world authority on knuckledusters, knuckle sandwiches, and everything else the decent people of New Jersey would prefer that we not associate with them.

For his part, Dannyboy collects a real mob of mooks, including the freaking Hells Angels chief, as muscle. WTF is this crazy b*tch thinking – that she, ForgettaMom, Dirty Dan and the mooks will crash the Dom’s Palace? No, nobody could be that stupid or low-class.

Oh but they could be. As God is my witness they could be….And that is exactly what Dastardly Danielle, ForgettaMom, Dirty Dan and the mob o’mooks have in mind.

Up they show to the Brownstone, where Chris (oh, so gorgeous polite sexy patient funny charming) gives them a well-advised wide berth. But this isn’t enough for Danielle, no, she’s not destroyed any pretense she has to being a civilized women yet. She’s got to go over to Chris and faux-graciously thank him for welcoming her to his house. Then she tells us, the horrified viewers, that this was nothing more than a big “F.U.” to … to whom? To poor Chris who was just being polite? To Queen Quaroline, miles away at home? Who the “F” knows? The only thing I did know from that is that Danielle lives in cathedrals of make-believe in her own head, in which angels and demons do battle with each other and she reigns, supreme Princess of it all, alone and misunderstood. Sad, really.

Danielle sweeps in at the head of the mook army and Forgettamom goes to Chris and is all fake-nice and such and Chris lets her know that she’s in for a big surprise. And then we’re told, via subtitles, that Chris said that she was well overdressed (“no lie!”). Which she was, let’s face it, although the mooks were well under-dressed, or awfully dressed, or thuggishly attired, take your pick. Somehow, some way, Danielle without being there knows that Chris said this in a ‘sadistic way.’ She’s out Kelly-ing Kelly here, her angels are singing and her demons dancing big time. Sigh.

Now. This is where it gets important to know exactly what happened. Danielle says that despite her being responsible for half of northern New Jersey being there, and in possession of ForgettaMom’s 20 seats, the Manzos meanly refused her even a table. The Manzos say that half her crew weren’t paid for and that they know nothing about any seating problems because they seat according to what the event organizers dictate. (The poor girl’s poor parents are naturally mortified that Danielle’s drama has galvanized the room’s attention to herself. And that Danielle insists on speaking to hem.)

Dirty Dan goes downstairs to bust some heads and use bad language and the Brownstone people try to set up a table for the assorted low-lives. Dan and Danielle trundle about the room talking to everyone about the poor sick baby and how wonderful it is that this money is being raised to help out with the medical bills and…

THE HELL THEY DO
. They go around decrying the Brownstone, the Manzos, in this horrible Joizey ex-con gutter language, fake rage (ya gotta be f*cking kidding me) and veiled threats (just spare the baby’s family but f*ck up everyone else) spewing, choking on their own bile and thuggishness and general lack of class. Eventually, having ruined the start of the evening, Despicable Danielle and her nasty army are asked to leave and they do, with lots of impotent posing and insults to all concerned on their part. I know that the Countess (RHONY) and Emily Post and Miss Manners have made careers out of explaining the finer points of etiquette but I have to say a two-year old, a pack-wolf, or an amoeba on the pack-wolf would be appalled by the antics of this woman and her hangers-on, and would know better. Danielle took the title of lady and any respect I may have had for her and basically wiped her a** with it.

Her poor poor poor children when they see this. When their friends see this. When they are older and reflect on seeing this. Bah.

Oh, and I think Chris Manzo’s kinda cute. Could you guess?

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Filed under Culture, Cute Guys

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